


Then / Now

by Rowan12628



Category: CollegeHumor, Dimension 20, Dungeons & Dragons - All Media Types, Fantasy High
Genre: Coping, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Found Family, Happy Ending, Hugs, Panic Attacks, dimension 20 - Freeform, fantasy high - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-12
Updated: 2019-04-12
Packaged: 2020-01-11 23:27:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18434321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rowan12628/pseuds/Rowan12628
Summary: Adaine has a panic attackBefore the series, and after the series





	1. Then

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning:  
> Yelling, emotional abuse, kind of self harm (really mild, but mentioning just in case)

It's a fairly normal day. I'm sat on my large bed, in my large room, in my large house, and I am studying.  
The entrance exams for the upper school at Hudol are soon, and I have to do well. I have to get in. If I don't.. life literally wouldn't be worth living. I would never hear the end of it from my family, and I'd have to go to Augefort, or even Mumple. Besides, Hudole is the best, and I'm really good at magic.

Well, clearly not as good as my perfect sister. She's already in Hudol, and takes every opportunity to remind me. As do my parents.

So, I must pass this exam. I can't afford not to. I'd ridiculed, humiliated. And Aelwen will look even better, because I failed where she succeeded.

I really, genuinely cannot afford to fuck this up. I'll probably be kicked out if I fail. Kicked out in a way that doesn't cause a public scandal, at least.  
And I have to show them that I can be just as good as Aelwen. If I just study very hard, learn everything I can, devote all of my time to practicing for these exams... work like Hell for everything that comes so easily to _her_ , maybe I can prove to them that I'm not useless. Maybe they wouldn't compare me to her, because we'd be on the same level.

...I know that's not true. My parents love Aelwen more, and that's just a fact. I'm going to have to live with that.  
They have impossibly high standards that I can never seem to meet, where Aelwen can simply breathe and be showered in praise.

I do know that's it's not fair, but I also know that's it's probably justified. Aelwen is far more clever, pretty, skilled at magic, social, confident, charming... Perhaps if I were better, they'd love me more.

But, that's never going to happen. I'm not good enough. I'll never be good enough! I'm just a stupid fuck up- a blight on this family. I don't deserve to behold the name 'Abernant'!

My chest tightens, and the words in my book start to swim. No, not again. This has been happening more and more often, and I can't control it. If this keeps happening, when am I going to have the time to study?

I need to study to pass the exam! If I don't, I'm dead!  
My hands are tightly clasped together, and my breaths are short and quick. I need more air, there isn't enough.  
But I can't leave my room and let my parents see me- or worse, Aelwen! I can only stay here and hope to ride it out.

My knuckles are now white and I feel dizzy; shallow breaths escaping me. My head seems as though it's spinning, making me feel sick.

My book feels like a weight on my lap, the swirling words taunting me, jeering that I'm too stupid to understand, so pathetic that I get into such a state over nothing.  
My magic acts without my permission, and I Mage Hand the book across my room. It slams into the wall and thuds to the floor.  
A scream of frustration rips through my lungs, as tears begin to form in my eyes.

"Shut up, you little _freak_! I'm trying to study!" my sister yells through the wall. "God, you're so annoying!"  
I don't respond, afraid that I shall burst into tears the second I open my mouth.

My head takes solace in my hands as I try to control my breathing.  
I'm so dumb for letting this- this nothing- get to me. I'm supposed to be poised, and proper, and clever! Too clever to freak out like this for no reason! A diplomat's daughter does not behave in such a childish, immature manner! This is ridiculous!

Hyperventilation advances to great heaving sobs, forcing me to double over, a hand covering my mouth to stifle the noise.  
Waves of tears cascade down my cheeks, unrelenting and unwavering.

My door is flung open.  
"Adaine! Shut the fuck up!" Aelwen shouts.

Involuntarily, my hand shoots out towards the door, fear and anger and panic taking over, and I feel magic leaving me.

"Argh, what the fuck?!" she must have deflected, because she doesn't sound in pain.  
I pull my hand back to me. What the Hell was that?! Freak!  
"Mummy! Daddy!"

I wince pre-emptively, begging myself to stop crying before my parents get here. Fight or flight kicks in and I manage to shuffle back away from the door, bracing myself against the wall. Preparing for the worst.

"Adaine Ailenia Abernant, what the Hell do you think you're playing at?!"  
I don't hear exactly what my father is shouting, my hands protectively covering my ears.  
"Look at me while I am talking to you-! Aelwen has done nothing wrong-! a diplomat's child-! ungrateful, selfish little-! lucky that I don't-! grounded!"

His screaming _surprisingly_ doesn't help and only succeeds in making me cry harder, apparently pissing him off even more. He slams my door closed and locks it from the outside. Trapping me.

The walls are closing in on me. I am suffocating. My father's voice richochets throughout my head, combining with my sister's insults, my mother's nonchalance, my own self-loathing...  
It's all just too much.

Unconsciously, I begin scratching at my legs. Tearing at my skin hysterically, trying to force all the bad feelings out. My nails have been bitten short during previous anxiety-inducing events ( _"Really Adaine, that is_ most _unladylike"_ ), and thusly cannot break my skin or cause any real damage- only frustrating me further.

After a while, I have run out of tears, and the sobbing quietens down into heavy panting, trying to get enough air into my lungs to think straight.  
My head is banging; a fierce ache taking root in my skull, worming its way into every crevice of my mind. It hurts

Everything hurts. Everything feels wrong and disjointed, like trying to put together two puzzles pieces that don't fit.  
A wave of nausea washes over me as I notice how hungry I am. I was too busy studying to eat so far today and, from previous experience, I know my father will not open my door until tomorrow, at least.

A sudden rush of dizziness hits me, and I have to lie down. Focusing my spell energy, carefully this time, I Mage Hand the light off.

Lying in the dark on top of my covers, tear tracks still staining my face, my head pounding and my stomach growling...  
I feel so weak. Why does this keep happening to me? I have an idyllic life- rich parents, a big house, an exceptional education. So why do I feel like crap all the time?  
Fresh tears well in my eyes.

Maybe if I work harder, I'll feel better. I shall study twice as much tomorrow. Focus more, quit being so pathetic. If I'm better, there'll be no need for this ridiculousness to keep happening. Right?

Right?

I can't keep my eyes open anymore, and I feel myself sinking into my bed. I quietly cry into my pillow until the inky blackness of sleep takes me.


	2. Now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning:  
> Kind of self harm (really mild, but mentioning just in case)

Everything is normal, but then, that's how it usually starts. I'm sat on my bed reading a High Level Divination book. A word I read triggers a small memory, a feeling. Something bad. I don't know what it is, but it hurts.

I start thinking. Usually, nowadays, when I think, it's good. It's about Divination, or ice cream, or my friends.  
But when I get like _this_ , all of that seems to dissipate and Bad Thoughts swarm my brain, overwhelming me.

My pulse quickens and my vision clouds, and I need to get more air into my lungs. I start to hyperventilate, wringing my hands together and frantically looking around. Are Tracker and Jawbone home? Have I taken my meds today?

My mind is a whirlwind as I try to recall anything useful, but try as I might, I can only see the blank, accusatory faces of those whose deaths I've caused.  
Doreen, Mr Gibbons, Johnny Spells, Zayn, Coach Daybreak, Penelope, Dayne, Mr Seacaster, and countless others I can't name.  
I killed them! So many people are dead because of me! I'm a fucking monster!

Light headed, I grab at my hair, trying to pull it out, begging my brain to just shut the fuck up!  
My glasses slide off my nose, I can't see where they went. Everything is blurry and I don't know if it's because of my shitty eyesight, or something else.

Dizzying pictures and sounds and thoughts flash in my head and I can't breathe and I'm going to faint and I've just got to get away.

I bolt for the door, but my hands are clammy and I can't open it. I cast Mage Hand on the door to pull the handle into my hand, but I can't concentrate. Lightning Bolt, then Burning Hands, then fucking Witch Bolt, but they all just fizzle at my fingertips.  
My sister's voice echoes in my head: _'A_ real _wizard would be able to do it. You just aren't good enough. Loser.'_  
A sob catches in my throat and, before I can stop myself, I am crying, having slid down the door onto the floor.

My knees are tucked to my chest and I am rocking back and forth, feeling uneasy and shaky and panicked all at once.  
My breathing is out of hand and I am close to throwing up. Subconsciously I begin to scratch at my arms, desperately trying to claw myself out of my skin.

I'm trapped and alone and afraid, with thunder and lightning striking throughout my head.

A knock on the front door, sounding so far away I think I've imagined it.  
"Hey, Adaine! Can we come in?"  
I don't respond.  
A different voice, "Tracker? Are you home?"

She isn't, or she would've come to check on me. Or maybe she is, and she just doesn't care. Makes sense. No-one cares about me, they never have. Even my own parents hate me. They hate me so much they just left without me! They haven't even tried to contact me since they left! I say I don't care, but who wouldn't care if their parents just abandoned them? No matter how shitty they are. I-

A scuffle.  
Someone tries to open my bedroom door.

I'm sat against it, blocking the way. What if it's the police, come to take me away again? What if it's Aelwen, having come back to seek revenge? What if the Harvestmen are still at large and they've come for me?  
I can't think straight, immediately jumping to the worst possible conclusions.

"Adaine, open up!" a voice from the other side commands.

I shake my head vehemently, though they can't see.

"Leave me alone! Go away!"

"Adaine, I can tell you're panicking. I can feel that you're against the door. Can you please let us in? We just want to help."

 _'Just want to help'._  
Aelwen said she _wanted to help_ when she told me to steal that stupid book on the first day of school. I broke a ward and started the freeing of Kalvaxis because she said she wanted to help!  
Biz said he _wanted to help_ by being The Hacker, but he was using the girls in the palimpsests for his sick little games- Riz even told me he said he wanted to put _me_ in one of those things, that _creep_. We trusted him and look how _that_ turned out!

No. No-one ever wants to help. I can't open the door. They're tricking me. They're going to hurt me.

I push harder against the door, on the verge of passing out from shortness of breath.

A deafening guitar riff, and the door bursts open, shoving me out of my safe spot. I scramble backwards against my chest of drawers, still blind and panicking, readying Web in my outstretched hand. I can't move to escape; I'm paralysed.

"Stay back! St-Stay back or else!"

"Adaine, I'm sorry, we just needed to get the door open. Don't cast anything, it's us! It's Kristen and Fig!"  
"We just wanted to hang! Are you okay?"

Eyes screwed shut and shaking my head furiously once again, I lower my hand. The ruckus in my head is confusing me and it's not Kristen and Fig's voices I am hearing. But if it really is my friends, I don't want to hurt them. Haven't I caused enough damage in the world?

"I'm going to kneel down next to you, and I'm going to hug you. Is that okay?"  
She seems genuine, so I slowly nod, keeping Web at the ready just in case.

True to her word, they both pull me into a tight embrace. At first I stiffen, but the way they feel, so soft and warm, and smelling of popcorn and smoke, tells me it really is them and I hug back.  
Sobs racket through my body as my friends hold me, rubbing circles on my back and whispering calming words into my ear.

After ten minutes of crying on the floor, clinging to them like a Koala bear, I manage to stop crying.

"Deep breaths in through your nose, and out through your mouth," I am instructed, and I comply.  
It doesn't take long before my head becomes less clouded and my breathing returns to normal, and though I am still violently shaking, I can now see and hear and think almost normally.

"F-Fig, Kristen, I.." my voice, raspy and shaky, breaks the silence of us looking at each other. I don't know what I'm trying to say. Sorry? Thank you? Just.. everything.

Fig looks worried, searching around for evidence of a fight. Kristen is smiling comfortingly at me, a hand on my shoulder. Gently placing my glasses back on my face, she shakes her head softly.

"It's okay, you don't have to talk. I know how draining panic attacks can be! In the Church, I volunteered at a call centre for people with anxiety, so I know how to help! Plus, you're our friend! We get it!" Kristen grins at me, making the whole room light up. Or maybe it's the bright tie dye and her almost-neon hair doing that.  
"Oh.. Oh." Fig comes to a realisation. "Dude, you don't have to explain anything."

"What does Jawbone do when you have attacks?" she asks, and it takes a moment for me to register the question.

"I, uh.. he makes me do affirmations. Guys, I am so, so sorry! I- I nearly attacked you! And I made you sit here with me and I got your shirts all wet and- I'm really sorry, I didn't mean- I'm so stupid a-and selfish and-! Thank you. Thank you." I splutter out in one breath.

Kristen shakes her head again. "Do you do your affirmations by yourself, or does he make you repeat them after him?"

"I..." My brain is still scrambled. "I.. repeat them. There's a list on my bedside table."

As she moves to get the list and Fig fetches a glass of water, I rearrange myself so that I am cross-legged, and wipe my eyes with my sleeve. I'm so embarassed that my friends saw me like that, I just want to curl up in a ball and die. But I don't. I sit prim and proper, my back straight and my hands on my knees, just like I was taught. Put on the façade that I am okay now, try not to lose any more of my dignity.  
They probably hate me, now that they've seen how pathetic I am. None of my friends have ever seen my attacks, I make excuses when I feel them coming and get out of there so that they don't find out. They'd think me such a coward if they knew. I'm sure Kristen and Fig do now.

Paper in hand, she sits opposite me, Fig entering a moment later and handing me the glass. I take a large sip, breathing deeply.

"Okay, repeat after me: 'I am safe'."  
"I.. am safe." I mumble, looking at the floor.

"'My panic disorder does not define me'."  
"My panic disorder doesn't define me.."

My cheeks redden as a sense of humiliation takes over. I can't look at them. They must think I'm so stupid for having to do this. Stupid. Idiot. Should've been quieter- they didn't have to get involved.

"'My panic attacks are not my fault'."  
"My panic attacks are not my fault."

What's the point? Do they really think that repeating these meaningless phrases is going to make me believe them?

"'I am not a coward'."  
"I... I'm not a coward."

"'I am not pathetic'."  
"I'm not pathetic."

"'I am not a burden on others for having this disorder'."  
"I am not a burden on others for having this disorder.."

"'This isn't who I am. I am ill'."  
"I.. This isn't who I am, I'm ill."

"'I have a mental illness and that's fine'."  
"...I have a mental illness and that's fine."

I know the mantra by heart, the amount of times Jawbone has made me repeat it to him, but that doesn't mean I think any of it is true. But the look on my friends' faces- they look so proud of me- says that they think it is.

I manage a small smile back at them.

"Are you tired? Do you want to sleep? If not, I can call the rest of the group over to hang out! We can order take out! I'll eat anything but corn! Or... maybe _especially_ corn... do you think if I eat it with bad intentions, it becomes sacrelige instead of prayer? Oh, nevermind. What do you think?" Kristen rambles at a million miles a minute, and it takes me a second to register what she's asking me.

"I, uh... Yeah. Yeah, I guess Jawbone and Tracker are out, so as long we don't make a mess..."

"Awesome! I'll message them right away!" she exclaims, grin wide and eyes bright.  
As she hurries away, I am left with Fig, who still looks incredibly concerned. I don't look at her.

"Dude... Why didn't you tell us you have anxiety?" her voice is soft and upset- a total contrast to how she usually presents herself. I hate it.

"I, uh..." I don't know how to answer. "Well... Well, I don't know. I- I didn't want to cause a fuss, I suppose. I can deal with it by myself."  
I don't mean to sound so uppity, to regress into an old persona of pretentiousness to distance myself.

"No, that's... that's not what I mean to say."  
At this point, Kristen has re-entered the room, and is listening too.  
"What I mean is... I know, logically and objectively, that if I had just told you about... _that_ , then no harm would come from it. I knew that. You guys are my friends. I'm ill and I can't- can't help it.  
"But, in my head, I get these paranoid feelings that, if anyone knew, they'd think me lesser. They'd think I'm weak and stupid and pathetic. I was never allowed- I've never been very good at conveying emotion and, um... I suppose I just thought I'd make a fool out of myself."  
My voice is barely above a whisper and my eyes do not leave the floor the entire time. I can't look at them and see them judging me like I know they are.

"Adaine," Kristen speaks from the doorway. "Nothing you feel is stupid. You're not stupid."  
"Yeah, you're the most metal person I know, and one of my two dads is a Devil!" Fig chimes in, and I let out a quiet giggle.

"Riz, Gorgug, and Fabian will be here soon, and we don't have to tell them anything. But I promise, they won't think any less of you. And neither do we."  
"Nuh uh! We could never! Besides, if you were 'stupid', why would I copy off you all the time in tests?"  
I laugh again, and concede that maybe they're right. They don't seem to be upset with me, or to be looking down on me. I never really thought they would- they are nice people- but I tend to imagine the worst.

We sit in a comfortable quiet for a few minutes, until the rest of our little group show up. I am now entirely poised and okay- all traces of tears are gone from my face, and I have completely composed myself.

"Hey, gang! Do we have any leads? I've been working on my board, but so far-"  
"The Ball, we have not convened at this sub-standard dwelling place for mysteries. It is none of our concern."  
"I dunno, Fabian, it's a little concerning... Hey, can I call Zelda over?"

I smile. A genuine, happy smile. I may not be entirely okay, and there may be times where I slip... but I have a brilliant group of friends right there next to me who will support me and love me through it all.  
My family left me, but so what? I have a new, better family. I found them myself and I love them! And they love me!

"Hey guys, listen. I know I can be pretty tough to read, like, I don't wear my heart on my sleeve and..."

I am happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaa so I really just love Dimension 20!  
> And I hope you guys enjoyed this fic!  
> Comments are always appreciated!

**Author's Note:**

> So I have fallen completely in love with Fantasy High! I really love all the characters, especially Adaine!  
> And I love making my faves suffer!
> 
> I hope you like this! Please comment x


End file.
